The fear of failure

Everytime I get ready to spill my heart for "everyone" to see I think a little about my sister, who always seems to regret that she did. That is not meant to be an insult to her, because I think her apprehension is something that all of us feel. It is really frightening to know that how you are feeling at this exact moment will be seen by many - no matter what the emotion - you are opening yourself up to a great vulnerability. I encourage her to share, because it is easier to read the thoughts of others than to share your own, but the reason I do it is because a lot of times I think we all feel the same things at any given point in time. To be able to see that in script is a great comfort.
I've had the opportunity, and the burden, of introspection at my fingertips for quite some time now. There are things that I really appreciate about being able to analyze the events in my life and there are things that I loathe. The longer you have to think about things, and wonder, and wish, the longer you have to think about what you could have done better. I could've done this differently and I could've done that. I would've said this, or I wouldn't have. It's almost like a slow torture. That is what I have been doing for a very long time now.
I am insecure and unstable. I constantly replay things in my mind and think of the things I could've done differently. It really gets me nowhere. In my weakest moments, I say and do things that are out of my right mind and completely opposite of the person I want to be. Those things I can't change because they are done. And as much as I think about them and hope that I learn from them, I don't. I think that sometimes being a loose cannon is the easiest out. No one expects much, and you don't expect much from yourself.
I am not old, but I'm getting older. I fear the uncertain. I wish I had all the answers. If I could go back and right all of my wrongs I most certainly would. But I can't. All I want is to take my experiences and become a better person. I don't know how to do it. Because for the most part I'm living in the past. I think we all have something that we want to be, a vision of how we want to live our lives. My biggest fear is that I won't get the opportunity because I'm too caught up in what I've already done wrong.