And I have tried to sit you down and take the fall, to look you in the eye and tell you it all. I fail.

I have, especially in the last year or so, become somewhat of a hermit. I will be the first to admit that this was my own decision, but I feel that my reasoning behind it makes total sense. For a very long time, I have felt that people simply do not give a shit about what I have to say. This blog is a perfect example - the majority of the time I come here to rant and rave and basically share things with, well, myself. My life outside the internet is the same way. I try to have conversations with people or share something that is bothering me and what ends up happening is: I get no reception, some sort of lecture, or my words are misconstrued to the point where I have to just stop talking. It leaves me anxious and frustrated and pretty depressed. So, after attempting to let people know what's on my mind and time and again only to feel worse about it after than I did before, I closed myself off. I bottle things up. And for this reason I fixate on things that are bothering me and tend to bitch about mundane things. It is my coping mechanism. I tend to obsess about things to the point that I make myself sick, because I don't think I can tell people how I really feel. It is not my intention to make people feel sorry for me, or to place blame on others for the fact that I'm struggling, or to offend the people who have tried to help. I just want to say that this is how I feel.

I do not intend for this to be a place where I come and "talk" about how badly things are going in my life, because, to be honest, my life is pretty good. There are just certain things that really get to me every once in a while that make me feel totally out of control and longing for some interaction.

Heard The World

Creating more noise than answers

I got into a not-so-friendly arguement over the last couple days (the topic, at this point, is unimportant) and realized that the one thing that I have always appreciated about debating is no longer true.

To me the sole purpose of an arguement or debate is to learn and try to understand the perspective of other people. To voice what you believe, listen to what the other person believes, and have each side take something from it and expand on their knowledge. It doesn't necessarily mean that you will change the other person's mind or that they will change yours, but that you will have a better understanding as to why the person feels the way they do. What I have found in recent days is that the other person is not interested in your ideas or opinions and will use whatever tactics necessary to make themselves appear to be right.

During my arguement I told this person that I just wanted him to acknowledge that his truth isn't THE truth, nor is mine. While I was trying not to become too emotionally involved in this discussion, I found myself needing to take a step back. Some people do not care what others think, they don't enter discussions wanting to learn. They simply want to be the loudest, to appear clever and intelligent by making others feel stupid and as though their opinions aren't valid. I have always felt that people who need to make others feel badly in order to make themselves feel better are incredibly insecure. I left the conversation still wanting to have some sort of meaningful interaction, but it looks like that's not going to be happening today.

Burn

"I just don't want you to ever leave me."

So sometimes I forget - after all the bullshit, drama, and hard work - why I ever wanted to go into the profession that I have worked in for 6 and a half years. Last night at work I got a reminder.

I have two ladies that I take care of that I absolutely love to be around. No matter what kind of mood I am in they make me smile. These two women, I will admit, I treat a little differently than my other residents. I sing to them, dance for them (and, yes, I am a terrible dancer), tell them jokes, and sometimes - when I have the time - I snuggle up next to them like they are my own grandmother. Last night, after a long day and not a lot of sleep, I sat down next to one of them and chatted for a bit. After a few minutes I had to get up and leave and she looked at me and asked when I would be back, I told her I would come back and make sure she was sleeping and she said to me, "I just don't want you to ever leave me."

That is the reason I do the job I do. I live for those human interactions - however brief they may be. There is something to be said about being a person that someone relies upon and needs to have around but also wants to have around.

Another year comes crashing down with all the weight and all the sound...

It looks like it's going to be a big year for me... With all the choices I have to make and changes that are coming my way I've been towing a line between sheer terror and hopeful excitement. I don't think that anyone is ever too old to spread their wings and experience new things - although I tend to think that it's much easier the younger you are. The older I get the more I feel as though I can't make mistakes, that things have to be perfect this time around because they weren't before. And while I'm entering this next chapter of my life with a great deal of determination, it's also tempered with cynicism and self-doubt.  Today, though, I have to keep my focus and start what will be my last semester of school in Wyoming on the right foot.