Sunrise has burned my eyes again

Sober

Somebody That I Used To Know

She was the purest beauty, but not the common kind.

Slut

I am an educated, independent woman. Or in Rush Limbaugh's words, a whore.

I don't love you, but I always will.

Hope 29 was a good year, Birthday Boy

Time won't stand by forever if I know it's true
And I've learned not to say never
Or else I'll seem the fool
Twenty-nine you'd think I'd know better
Living like a kid
When my lies may seem less than clever
Is when I fall for it
Only time will tell if wishing wells
Can bring us anything
Or fade like scenes from childhood dreams
Forgotten memories
Some rides don't have much of a finish
That's the ride I took
Through good and bad and straight through indifference
Without a second look
There's no intentions worthy of mention
If we never try
So hang your hopes on rusted-out hinges
Take 'em for a ride
Only time will tell if wishing wells
Can bring us anything
Or fade like scenes from childhood dreams
Forgotten memories
Only time will tell...

The fear of failure

Everytime I get ready to spill my heart for "everyone" to see I think a little about my sister, who always seems to regret that she did. That is not meant to be an insult to her, because I think her apprehension is something that all of us feel. It is really frightening to know that how you are feeling at this exact moment will be seen by many - no matter what the emotion - you are opening yourself up to a great vulnerability. I encourage her to share, because it is easier to read the thoughts of others than to share your own, but the reason I do it is because a lot of times I think we all feel the same things at any given point in time. To be able to see that in script is a great comfort.
I've had the opportunity, and the burden, of introspection at my fingertips for quite some time now. There are things that I really appreciate about being able to analyze the events in my life and there are things that I loathe. The longer you have to think about things, and wonder, and wish, the longer you have to think about what you could have done better. I could've done this differently and I could've done that. I would've said this, or I wouldn't have. It's almost like a slow torture. That is what I have been doing for a very long time now.
I am insecure and unstable. I constantly replay things in my mind and think of the things I could've done differently. It really gets me nowhere. In my weakest moments, I say and do things that are out of my right mind and completely opposite of the person I want to be. Those things I can't change because they are done. And as much as I think about them and hope that I learn from them, I don't. I think that sometimes being a loose cannon is the easiest out. No one expects much, and you don't expect much from yourself.
I am not old, but I'm getting older. I fear the uncertain. I wish I had all the answers. If I could go back and right all of my wrongs I most certainly would. But I can't. All I want is to take my experiences and become a better person. I don't know how to do it. Because for the most part I'm living in the past. I think we all have something that we want to be, a vision of how we want to live our lives. My biggest fear is that I won't get the opportunity because I'm too caught up in what I've already done wrong.

Snuff

these arms of mine

My Funny Little Valentine

Little Bird

Can't explain how much I love this chick, but this song has been my theme for the last few months and I absolutely love it!

Little Lion Man

Silas Matthew Love - February 14, 2011

"And if you were with me tonight, I'd sing to you just one more time. A song for a heart so big, god wouldn't let it live. May angels lead you in."

I think it is sometimes really hard to understand the things that happen in our lives. Why, at times, it seems like everything is a struggle and that nothing ever goes "right". This last year has been incredibly difficult - for me and for the people that I love. I never thought that I would have to witness my family endure such pain.

I remember vividly the morning my nephew died. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about the sound of my mom's voice on the phone telling me that I needed to come to the hospital. Or the look of heartbreak on my dad's face when he came to get me. Him asking me to call my oldest sister, because he said he, "just can't do it". What I remember the most are the faces. Lyndsey's, Matt's, my mom's, my Aunt Marlene's, my Uncle Artis', my grandma's. Everyone was in shock. Everyone was in disbelief because things aren't supposed to happen that way. How can it be possible that something that was supposed to be so joyful and so good could just be ripped from our grasp? I also will never forget my nephew's face. He was a beautiful baby. I'm not just saying that because I am his aunt. He looked like an angel.

We sat at the entrance to town waiting for the funeral home to bring him over, a long line of cars with sad people sitting in them. I told my brother Joe that I always thought his birth would be his biggest entrance, but that day he had 3 cop cars and a highway patrolman giving him an escort, followed by people that would have made sure that every day of his life he knew he was loved. People that were coming to the sad realization that they wouldn't have the opportunity.

The day we buried him was cold, it was overcast and gray, but as we were laying yellow roses on his tiny casket the sun broke through the clouds and was so warm. If I had not been there I would not have believed it, but it felt like he was telling us he was ok, that he was in good hands, and he would never have to hurt or struggle again.

 A lot of times I wonder about the little person he would have become. About what we could teach him and what he could teach us. I think about him telling us what he learned in school, about what he wanted to be when he grew up. I could be his favorite aunt. I never knew I could miss someone so badly, especially a little someone that I didn't get a chance to know.

I guess that I had become somewhat immune to acknowledging what happens after a person dies. I have witnessed many deaths, I have held the hands of people as they took their last breath, and cleaned their bodies after they are gone, but I had never had to think about the aftermath until that day. And I can honestly tell you that the aftermath is far worse than I could have ever imagined. There are days filled with anger, days where all you can do is cry, days that you regret, and days that you don't think you can continue living in a world so filled with injustice. The worst days, however, are the ones when I see my sister cry, my mom has to stop talking because the words are choked back with tears, and my dad's eyes well up with the thought of chances missed.

I am hopeful, because we have all become so strong. The worst days don't happen as frequently. None of us will ever forget, and we will never stop hurting completely, but we will get better.

Ain't gonna make a big deal out of it, but I miss my heart

As without sorrow, joy will be benign

He ain't gone as long as he shines on
In our hearts
And just so we know
Right where you are
God lets the light outlive the star

The stars we see in the sky at night
Are there all day but they're lost in the sunlight
For without darkness, stars cannot shine
As without sorrow, joy will be benign

And I have tried to sit you down and take the fall, to look you in the eye and tell you it all. I fail.

I have, especially in the last year or so, become somewhat of a hermit. I will be the first to admit that this was my own decision, but I feel that my reasoning behind it makes total sense. For a very long time, I have felt that people simply do not give a shit about what I have to say. This blog is a perfect example - the majority of the time I come here to rant and rave and basically share things with, well, myself. My life outside the internet is the same way. I try to have conversations with people or share something that is bothering me and what ends up happening is: I get no reception, some sort of lecture, or my words are misconstrued to the point where I have to just stop talking. It leaves me anxious and frustrated and pretty depressed. So, after attempting to let people know what's on my mind and time and again only to feel worse about it after than I did before, I closed myself off. I bottle things up. And for this reason I fixate on things that are bothering me and tend to bitch about mundane things. It is my coping mechanism. I tend to obsess about things to the point that I make myself sick, because I don't think I can tell people how I really feel. It is not my intention to make people feel sorry for me, or to place blame on others for the fact that I'm struggling, or to offend the people who have tried to help. I just want to say that this is how I feel.

I do not intend for this to be a place where I come and "talk" about how badly things are going in my life, because, to be honest, my life is pretty good. There are just certain things that really get to me every once in a while that make me feel totally out of control and longing for some interaction.

Heard The World

Creating more noise than answers

I got into a not-so-friendly arguement over the last couple days (the topic, at this point, is unimportant) and realized that the one thing that I have always appreciated about debating is no longer true.

To me the sole purpose of an arguement or debate is to learn and try to understand the perspective of other people. To voice what you believe, listen to what the other person believes, and have each side take something from it and expand on their knowledge. It doesn't necessarily mean that you will change the other person's mind or that they will change yours, but that you will have a better understanding as to why the person feels the way they do. What I have found in recent days is that the other person is not interested in your ideas or opinions and will use whatever tactics necessary to make themselves appear to be right.

During my arguement I told this person that I just wanted him to acknowledge that his truth isn't THE truth, nor is mine. While I was trying not to become too emotionally involved in this discussion, I found myself needing to take a step back. Some people do not care what others think, they don't enter discussions wanting to learn. They simply want to be the loudest, to appear clever and intelligent by making others feel stupid and as though their opinions aren't valid. I have always felt that people who need to make others feel badly in order to make themselves feel better are incredibly insecure. I left the conversation still wanting to have some sort of meaningful interaction, but it looks like that's not going to be happening today.

Burn

"I just don't want you to ever leave me."

So sometimes I forget - after all the bullshit, drama, and hard work - why I ever wanted to go into the profession that I have worked in for 6 and a half years. Last night at work I got a reminder.

I have two ladies that I take care of that I absolutely love to be around. No matter what kind of mood I am in they make me smile. These two women, I will admit, I treat a little differently than my other residents. I sing to them, dance for them (and, yes, I am a terrible dancer), tell them jokes, and sometimes - when I have the time - I snuggle up next to them like they are my own grandmother. Last night, after a long day and not a lot of sleep, I sat down next to one of them and chatted for a bit. After a few minutes I had to get up and leave and she looked at me and asked when I would be back, I told her I would come back and make sure she was sleeping and she said to me, "I just don't want you to ever leave me."

That is the reason I do the job I do. I live for those human interactions - however brief they may be. There is something to be said about being a person that someone relies upon and needs to have around but also wants to have around.

Another year comes crashing down with all the weight and all the sound...

It looks like it's going to be a big year for me... With all the choices I have to make and changes that are coming my way I've been towing a line between sheer terror and hopeful excitement. I don't think that anyone is ever too old to spread their wings and experience new things - although I tend to think that it's much easier the younger you are. The older I get the more I feel as though I can't make mistakes, that things have to be perfect this time around because they weren't before. And while I'm entering this next chapter of my life with a great deal of determination, it's also tempered with cynicism and self-doubt.  Today, though, I have to keep my focus and start what will be my last semester of school in Wyoming on the right foot.